SallyOldcow's Blog

Tony Blair Eats, Shoots and Leaves

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 18, 2010

It has been revealed that nineteen people were shot by Tony Blair during a dinner at a Labour Party Rally prior to the last General Election. Mr Blair was the After Dinner Speaker at the event. Eight people were pronounced dead at the scene and the remainder were admitted to hospital in critical condition where they remain to this day. The matter has been shrouded in secrecy until now but an allegation in a former colleague’s autobiography has brought the case into the open.

In an interview today with Al Jazeera, Mr Blair, former Prime Minister of Great Britain, said that a heckler had said something about a 45 minute warning at the beginning of his speech. Mr Blair had taken this to be a credible threat and when about 45 minutes had passed the man had raised his arms, possibly holding a weapon, and Mr Blair, to be on the safe side, had shot him. When asked to explain why so many people had been shot Mr Blair said ‘the numbers have been  exaggerated, but when eliminating threats it is inevitable that there would, on occasion, be some collateral damage’.

The man identified by Mr Blair as the heckler, who he claims had issued the 45 minute warning, has been identified as a journalist for the Daily Telegraph. In fact all the dead and injured are journalists. A camera belonging to the dead Daily Telegraph journalist has been handed over by a surviving colleague and the last image on its memory card is reproduced above.

Mr Blair has thus far declined to be interviewed by the Police and has insisted that any enquires are to be made through a Mr M Clifford.

John Prescott visits Wimbledon

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 7, 2010

All this bloody brow, brouh, brouh…., pavlova ’bout t’Wimbledon. Pauline wanted t’go so I forced meself.  Does thou know what AELTCC stands fer. All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. Fancy that. Ay, croquet. Not many people know that. I’m partial to a game of croquet. There’s a Museum an all. Went round it; bloody boring to be honest. The Gift Shop was an eyeopener I can tell you; Tee shirts for eighty five pounds. I’ll say it again, eighty five pounds. Even if they were made by Lauren Bacall I wasn’t paying eighty five bloody pounds. I did see a poster I liked though. £4.99. Bloody bargain. Fit looking lass. I get a sense of dej, dej…., I’ve seen her before somewhere. Anyway I got it framed and it goes a treat in the hall.

Tony Blair buys a Yacht; Wealth Foundation donations meet all expectations.

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 7, 2010

Within just a few days of the launch of the Tony Blair Wealth foundation website http://www.keepcheriesmiling.org Tony Blair has amassed sufficient funds to allow him to launch his own yacht. The yacht was formerly the property of Robert Maxwell and had been on the market following an extensive refit which included higher guard rails. The yacht has been renamed ‘MV Windrush Empire’ after another of Mr Blair’s companies.

Yesterday the Former British Prime Minister was photographed in a ‘Titanic’ pose on his yacht somewhere in the Mediterranean whilst topping up his tan. Apparently ‘Titanic’ is Cherie’s favourite film.

Tony Blair Launches the Tony Blair Wealth Foundation

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 6, 2010

Burj Al Arab, Dubai, 6 July 2010. It has been only a few days since Former Prime Minister Tony Blair was awarded  The Liberty Medal, from the National Constitution Center,  and the $100,000 prize given to those whose “actions represent the founding principles of the United States”. Now, in a conference room of the 7 star Burj Al Arab Hotel with views over the Arabian Sea, the tanned and relaxed Tony Blair launched the Tony Blair Wealth Foundation.

Former British Prime Minister Blair gave a customary assured presentation and stated that  the aim of his foundation is to “make him the richest man on Earth”. Mr Blair gave particular thanks to Gordon (Gordon Brown, former Chancellor of the Exchequer who succeeded Tony Blair as PM) for giving him the idea for this new venture. Gordon, he said, had demonstrated that if you want to spend billions of pounds then it is best to have the money in your possession first rather than borrow it and face crippling interest payments. Mr Blair said that prior to the official launch of The Tony Blair Wealth Foundation he had already tested his business model by accepting numerous prizes and substantial donations and on current projections he had every confidence in the success of his new venture and expected “to be a billionaire by Christmas, sorry Eid.” He said that the website had just gone live and was accepting donations by credit card although he was “still, obviously, allowing personal approaches from high net worth individuals”.

Yousri Fouda from Al-Jazeera, the Arabic satellite television station asked the former prime minister how this aim of acquiring vast wealth sat with the aims of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation? Mr Blair replied that “The aims of the two foundations are entirely compatible. What we are looking to do is  develop a paradigm shift in wealth creation. We will implement a robust process, which at the end of the day will bring synergies and align the tactical requirements and strategic values of both foundations”.

Mr Blair then accepted a question from Ashfaq Ahmad, chief reporter Gulf News, who congratulated Mr Blair on receiving the Liberty medal and said that in the Arab world there is a special word – “eghtina”, for what Mr Blair is doing. This remark drew the attention of the Arabic speakers in the room but left the rest of us in the dark. Before Mr Ahmad could elaborate Mr Blair  said “shukran” and then took a question from Kay Burley of Sky News.

Kay Burley asked Mr Blair what he intended to do with all his wealth.  Mr Blair thanked Ms Burley for an interesting question and replied that one aim was “to get involved in media, much like Silvio Berlusconi”, the Italian Prime Minister. Mr Blair continued by saying that he thought “Mr Berlusconi had made a tactical error by controlling the media while serving as Prime Minister compared to my plans to control erm, be involved in the media after leaving office, because the past is such an uncertain place don’tcha know. Gosh Kay, ha ha, maybe you could come and work for me”

Mr Blair then invited everybody to have lunch in the hotel’s Al Mahara (“Oyster”) restaurant which features a large seawater aquarium. Mr Blair apologised for not joining everybody for lunch as he was going jet-skiing with Euan, although not, ha ha, in the aquarium.

Detained Russian Spy Anna Chapman to face new charge of airbrushing

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 4, 2010

Today an FBI spokesperson confirmed that in addition to charges of espionage prosecutors would also be charging Anna Chapman with the crime of airbrushing. Apparently Anna Chapman, 28, a New Yorker with a multi-million-dollar property business, could not be clearly identified by her Facebook photograph as the original image had been substantially altered by a process known as “airbrushing”.

Responding to criticism that the FBI had allowed this cell to operate unchecked for many years the spokesperson said that the delay was a consequence of their not being able to match the Facebook photograph with immigration records until such time as it was realised that the photograph had been airbrushed. The spokesperson added that, even when they had established the true identity of Anna Chapman, their resources were then overstretched by having to positively identify all her 38,653 Friends on Facebook in the event that some of them were also members of her spy network.

In England, MI5 officers have been interviewing Anna Chapman’s ex-husband, Alex Chapman, to obtain background information about the glamorous spy. The UK Government is taking a serious view of this case. The UK Government Health Department especially is concerned that airbrushed images of female spies could promote eating disorders in young impressionable women.

Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Museum unveils painting to celebrate 125 years of Ladies’ Singles

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on July 4, 2010

Unveiling of painting to celebrate 125 years of Ladies' Singles at AELTCC

Yesterday afternoon the Chairwoman of the trustees of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Museum, Dame Shirley Porter, unveiled a painting commissioned to celebrate 125 years of Ladies’ Singles at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. The painting was commissioned from Prince Charles who attended the unveiling ceremony in army battle dress.

This painting is one of only a few that the Prince has painted in oils; his favourite medium being water colour. After the Prince had unveiled the painting Dame Shirley appeared lost for words before making a short speech and then apologised for having to depart for another engagement.

Brain Sewell, art citic for the London Evening Standard remarked that the painting was worthy of the the omnium gatherum of British Comic Art as currently assembled for us by Tate Britain as a summer treat — Britannia with her skirts up – Britannia with her arse and fanny under the magnifying glass. He said the pose looked familiar but he couldn’t put his finger on it; possibly classical Greek, perhaps Athenian.

The painting was originally intended to hang in The Kenneth Ritchie Wimbledon Library but several of the trustees opined that the broad consensus now was that the painting would be hung in the Museum Gift Shop and that posters of the painting would be made available for sale to the public.

Review: Apple MacBook Pro 15″

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on June 25, 2010

I bought a MacBook Pro 15″. Its my first Mac and I enjoyed the Apple Store and opening the slim white box when I got home. I didn’t enjoy the cost very much but I needed a Mac so “needs must”.

I can’t complain about the performance, the OS and the installed applications but I have started to wonder what all the hype is about (King’s new Clothes ?).

I like:

The magnetic power supply connector; pure genius.

The touchpad; I like the scrolling and zooming.

The keyboard; illuminated and a nice action/feel.

I dislike:

Opening the lid; my nails catch in the opening provided (designed by a nail biter ?).

Only 2 USB ports and they are very close together meaning I cannot plug in the majority of my USB sticks when the other port is occupied by e.g. iPhone USB cable or mouse (HP do a nice slim stick that fits).

The touch pad; the amount of pressure required to “click” seems unduly high and it is not a nice “click” (in fact it is bloody annoying, especially for anybody else in the same room). Fortunately a Microsoft 3 Button Scroll Mouse is “Plug and Play”

The edges of the main body; they are very sharp.

The keyboard position; I can see that the large area either side of the touch pad makes for a good palm rest, but it seems the designers don’t wear watches and if they wear bracelets they are made of either rubber or string otherwise the surface will get scratched, as well as being uncomfortable for the user. Again there is the sharp edge of the body to consider.

The keyboard: no # (alt 3), @ and ” are in the wrong places

The “Kensington”/security cable slot; its in the middle of the RHS, not at the rear and consequently you can either run the security cable from the rear and obscure the disc drive or run it from the front and it gets in the way of your arm.

Anyway, to complement my MacBook I am going to get myself a glass desk with glass legs, a set of invisible cables and then live the dream.

An alternative if you do not need to use the iPhone Developer Kit: buy a £600 laptop of your choice, install Ubuntu and have a week’s holiday somewhere nice with the difference in the price.

Anticlimax

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on May 11, 2010

OK, I should be relieved that Brown has gone, and Campbell, Balls, Cooper, Harman, Mandelson, Los Milibandes, and quietly pleased that the tribe is wailing, but then why do I look at this:

and see this:

or this:

or this:

I’m sure everything will be fine…………..

I was going to “Photoshop” (Gimp in my case) this but realised that if I come home from work, do the housework and don’t turn on my PC then I can be in bed by 11 and wake up refreshed; so I haven’t. I think I did enough damage with this:

I’ll be watching very closely

Active Democracy

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on May 8, 2010

Labour Manifesto Video: “We like people with opinions”

The Socialist Brain of a Liberal Democrat

Posted in Uncategorized by sallyoldcow on April 28, 2010

Mark I

Mark II

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